Dessert
by Kovukono
Summary: The hyena trio plus one goes out for dinner. One-shot.


**A/N: I lost a bet. This is the result of losing that bet. Tana belongs to Tearthgrrl, all other characters are property of Disney.**

oOo

"So help me God, if the two of you don't behave tonight," muttered Tana, "I'll—"

"_Relax_, T," said Banzai. "Anything you could do, Shenzi could do worse."

"Ha! I can do anything worse than her."

"No you can't."

"Yes I can."

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can!"

"No you can't!"

"Yes I can, yes I—"

"No show-tunes!" snapped Shenzi. "We're here for a nice dinner, and you people are not going to ruin it for me!"

"Well sorry, Miss Killjoy," grumbled Banzai.

"Just get inside," Shenzi groaned, opening the door. The group walked up to the maître d' and Shenzi said, "Hyena, party of four?"

The maître d' nodded and led them to a table, walking past strange characters the entire way. "Why did we come to the House of Mouse again?" whispered Tana to Banzai.

"Because it's a good place with good food."

". . . You couldn't get a reservation where Shenzi wanted, could you?"

"They said 'They don't serve our kind.'"

"What's that supposed to mean?" said Tana angrily. "Just because we're hyenas—"

"Actually, it's because we're not villains."

"We are villains!"

"They said we're henchmen," said Banzai. Ed laughed and Banzai hit him on the back of the head. "What do you know?"

The four of them stopped at a table and were seated, the maître d' coughing. "Are you serious?" said Shenzi. "You expect a tip for taking us to a freaking table?"

"It is the season for giving," he said.

"It's July!"

"Shenzi, just give him something—"

"Oh hell no! Get out of here!" she said, the maître d' leaving. Ed barked something in his own strange language. "I don't care if they spit in our food—if they do, they'll be making my day," she growled.

"Having a bad day?" Banzai asked meekly. Shenzi glowered at him over her menu.

The penguin waiter walked over after a few minutes, preparing a notepad to write. "Gimme a suicide mission," said Shenzi. "And God help you if I'm not drunk in five—"

"Don't you think that's a little excessive, Shenzi?" asked Banzai. "I mean, this is just the first—"

"Don't gimme none of that!" she said. "I know what I want, and I want to get drunk!"

"Shenzi," began Tana, "you can't drink here—"

"Don't you give me that, just because you can't drink! I know what you're—"

"Shenzi, they don't serve alcohol here."

Shenzi and Banzai froze, Shenzi's mouth halfway open. "This is a dark and evil place," whispered Banzai.

"Fine," said Shenzi. "Just get me a non-alcoholic margarita and I'll play pretend."

The rest ordered their drinks without fuss. Shenzi slouched in her chair, looking annoyed. "Did you have a bad day?" asked Tana tentatively.

"Did I ask for you to ask me?" barked Shenzi.

"I didn't mean it like—"

"Keep your nose in your own business!" she snapped. She sighed, then got up. "I'm going to the ladies' room."

"Do you mind if I come—" started Tana.

"You sit your butt down!" snarled Shenzi.

". . . Are you sure the ladies room'll let you in?" asked Banzai, unable to stop the words. Shenzi glared at him; her eyes. while not lethal, certainly were very close to it. Banzai whimpered and she turned and walked away. As soon as she was out of earshot, Ed burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"Shut it, Ed," snapped Banzai. Tana snickered. "Oh, not you, too!"

"You almost wet yourself!"

Banzai was saved a response as the waiter suddenly returned with the drinks. When the three of them had ordered their food, Shenzi still hadn't returned. "Well . . . should we just get what she always orders?" asked Tana tentatively.

"Sure, why not," said Banzai. "She looks like she could use a break, anyway."

Ed yelped something.

"Don't worry, it'll be fine."

Almost immediately after the penguin left, Shenzi returned to the table. She sat down and reached for—"Where's my menu?"

"Oh, we went ahead and ordered," said Tana.

"You—did—_what?_" Shenzi hissed.

Tana gulped. "Uh . . . it was Banzai who did it!"

Banzai paled as Shenzi's baleful eye turned upon him "We—we thought you wouldn't mind," he stammered.

"You think you can speak for me?" she growled, leaning over the table toward him.

"Uh, no—"

"You think that just because you know me, you can order me around?"

"No!

"You think that because I'm your friend, you can walk all over me?"

"Look, I didn't mean—"

"You think—"

"Shenzi, you're making a scene," said Tana furtively.

"I don't care!"

"Just sit down—besides, we got you zebra."

Shenzi eyed Tana. "Rare?"

"Of course."

"And none of those stupid fixin's?"

"No."

"Or any funny sauce?"  
"Plain as can be."

". . . Fine," she said, sitting down again. Banzai breathed a sigh of relief. "Oh, don't think I'm done with you. The dinner's coming with a steak knife."

Banzai gulped.

"Are you just having a bad day?" asked Tana. "You seem . . . moodier than usual."

"What she means is you seem downright pissed," added Banzai helpfully.

"What do you care if I'm pissed?"

"Well, believe it or not Shenzi, we care about you," said Tana.

"Yeah, sure," she growled.

"Why wouldn't we?"

"Can't we just have one meal without an argument?" Shenzi snapped.  
"I wasn't arguing—"

Tana was cut off as Banzai put a paw over her muzzle. "We'll stop talking."

"Thank you," growled Shenzi.

There was an uncomfortable silence as they waited for the food to arrive. Banzai looked around, looking over at the movie that was being shown. It was a modern dressed up as a classic—and still surprisingly good. There was nothing like random, gratuitous violence and a near lack of plot to make people laugh.

The film ended and the House's famous anthropomorphic mouse walked out onto the stage. Banzai ignored him as their food arrived. His attention only wavered from the food slightly as two cops walked on stage and hand-cuffed the mouse, saying something about the murder of Bambi's mother. The mouse was dragged off-stage, and Banzai could have sworn he heard something anti-Semitic.

He dug into his food, inhaling almost half of it before he noticed Shenzi only picking at her food. "Something wrong with it, Shenz?" he forced through a mouthful of meat.

"No—it's fine."

"Well why ain't ya eating?"

"I'll eat at my own damn rate, thank you very much," she said angrily.

"Well what's eatin' ya?" asked Banzai persistently.

Shenzi poked her head around her food, searching. "Where's that knife?"

"I'm just asking because I'm worried!" said Banzai. "No need to resort to violence!"

"Then stop asking questions and eat your food!"

Banzai sighed as Ed laughed something. All three of the others turned to him and said quickly, "No!"

The group continued eating, Banzai, Tana, and Ed talking quietly, Shenzi not saying much as she slowly picked her meal apart. Another famous mouse had taken charge of the stage, and one of her movies was playing. It was pretty boring, in Banzai's opinion—all about making cake for her soon-to-be-inmate husband. He finally stood up, saying, "I'm gonna go use the can."

He walked into the back, then froze as he saw a familiar face along with one he didn't recognize. "Simba?" he asked in disbelief.

Simba froze in mid-bite. "Oh . . . hey there, Banzai."

"What're you doing here?"

"Oh, we got tired of the jungle food, so . . . we went out to eat."

"Ah."

The animal accompanying him said, "Hey Simba, you never told us you knew one of those filthy, flea-bitten—"

"You know, I'm still hungry," growled Banzai.

"—tasteful, refined animals," finished the meerkat. "What gives?"

"He's just from back home."

"Oh. _Oh_."

"Anyway, it was nice talking to you," said Banzai, moving on. "Oh, and if we see ya again, we'll kill ya and all that jazz."

He headed off to the bathroom and relieved himself, then came out to the sink. He washed his paws and then looked at himself in the mirror and sighed. He reached into his fur and pulled out a ring. It wasn't ornate, it wasn't expensive—just a simple ring, all he could afford. He had planned for the night to be perfect, to go wonderfully—instead, it was becoming almost a disaster. Shenzi was pissed at someone, and that someone was steadily becoming him.

He put the ring back into his fur as he heard a massive fart coming from one of the stalls. He sniffed reflexively and almost immediately regretted it. He started for the door and yanked on it as another loud one ripped from the stall.

The door wouldn't open.

Banzai pulled harder, straining to get the door open, the smell quickly filling the bathroom. He looked down to see a yellow gas seeping from the bathroom, and began yanking on the door as hard as he could, his eyes watering.

It still wouldn't open.

_Oh dear God, I'm going to die in here_, he thought in horror. "What kind of a cruel and merciless scriptwriter would do this to me?!" he yelled. He suddenly noticed the push sign and rammed his way out of the bathroom, gasping for air. He dragged himself back to the table, coughing and hacking. He pulled himself into his chair.

"You smell," noted Tana.

"There's a biological weapon in the bathroom," he said. "Not my fault."

"Anyway, we've ordered dessert—"

"Without me?!" he said in disbelief. He saw Shenzi's murderous glare angle towards him and quickly said, "Well, it was the proper thing to do . . ."

"Anyway, I'm gonna escort Ed to the bathroom. Try not to kill each other while we're gone," Tana said.

Banzai looked after them as they left, then looked over at Shenzi. Her eyes were fixed on the stage. "So . . ."

"So what?"

"So, you really don't want to tell me about what's wrong?"

"It's none ya business."

"I promise I won't laugh or anything—"

"If you'd laugh, I'd leap over this table and beat the crap out of you."

"Alright then."

"Alright what?" asked Shenzi.

"If I laugh, you can beat the crap out of me. Deal?"

Shenzi sighed, remaining silent. Banzai looked away, then jumped slightly as he heard her voice. "It's . . . it's Scar."

"He didn't do anything to ya, did he?"

"He hit me today."

"He did what? Oh my God, I'm gonna tear out his—"

"He hits you around all the time!"

"But now he's hit a lady!" said Banzai angrily and incorrectly.

"Look, it was just a little one—and he's not gonna do it again," assured Shenzi.

"What, you gave it to him?" he asked.

"Well . . . no."

"He can't just hit you!"

"Banzai, he's the king. He can do anything to me, and, well . . ."

"No—I'm tired of Scar pushing us around!" said Banzai angrily. "He treats us like crap instead of animals! We don't deserve this!" **(A/N: They do deserve this.)**

"Look, there's nothing we can do! He'll just . . . just . . ."

"Hey we got him where he is now! He owes us!"

"You ever wonder what happened to the lion we met, though?" asked Shenzi. "What happened to Taka? He wasn't like this before he met us."

"You can't blame yourself for this—he was just a bad seed. Look . . . I just don't want to see him laying paws on you again," he said, putting his paw on Shenzi's. "And I promise, as soon as we get back, I'll beat the f—"

"Banzai, you can't say that! Not in this story!" said Shenzi, jerking back her paw.

". . . the—the face out of him. Yeah." The penguin waiter came, serving pieces of pie to the four place settings. He left. "We ordered pie?"

"Yeah."

"We're carnivores!"

"Just try it. I've heard it's . . . passable."

Banzai sighed and nudged it around the plate. He looked up at Shenzi, her view moving around the room. "Look . . . Shenzi . . . I . . ."

"You what?"

"I've been doing some thinking, and I've decided . . ."

"Those pauses ain't helpin' your delivery."

"I just don't want to see you be shoved around anymore by Scar or anyone else. I just want to see what's good for you."

"I want to see what's good for me, too," said Shenzi. "But that doesn't mean that we can just flip everything around. We're stuck where we are."

"We can change the little things," pointed out Banzai. "And that's what really matters. Shenzi . . . it's taken me some time to say this . . ."

"The pauses are just makin' it longer."

Banzai looked down, embarrassed. "Sorry."

"Look, stop beatin' around the bush—just spit it out and say it. What is it?"

Banzai swallowed and looked up at her. "Shenzi, I lo—"

"You would not believe this," said Tana, walking over. Banzai looked away, silent once more.

"Believe what?" asked Shenzi.

"I'm gonna have to take Ed to the hospital—he somehow got out of the windowless bathroom through some _other_ way than the door and got his tongue stuck on a street pole."

Shenzi blinked. "It's the middle of July!"

"I didn't say it was frozen."

"Ohhh . . ."

"Anyway, I'll meet you guys back later—here's my part of the tab," Tana said, putting money on the table.

Banzai watched her walk away. "Uh . . . poor Ed."

He jumped as he heard Shenzi's voice. "Ah well—more food for us." She took a bite out of her pie and froze before slowly chewing it and swallowing. Banzai took a bite out of his and nearly vomited, forcing it down. "So . . . you were saying something?" asked Shenzi, politely taking another bite out of her pie.

"Uh . . . it was really nothing."

"You were saying something."

Banzai looked away. "I . . . I love pie."

Shenzi smiled, swallowing her mouthful. "I love pie, too."


End file.
